Most men today, especially those on a spiritual path or committed to self-discovery, want to be balanced. It’s a great masculine quality when done right. We want to walk a true path, even-keeled, and consistent with our values. The word integrity often comes up, and appropriately so. But I have found that the definition of integrity gets jumbled with being nice.

Many of us have come to realize that being a nice guy isn’t necessarily a compliment. On closer inspection, receiving that label has to do with pleasing others. As long as your behavior comes from an honest and authentic place, making others happy isn’t a bad thing. But it’s important to distinguish our own values and motivations from the expectations of the person we’re interacting with.

Classic “Nice Guy” behavior is covertly controlling. It is about hiding your true feelings or needs in order to come across pleasant—to be judged as agreeable in someone else’s eyes. The problem is, your true feelings, wants, or needs get driven into your shadow. Our shadows are the place where anything unacceptable gets stored. But repressing something doesn’t allow us to process or deal with it. It lingers. So it can come back at any time, unconsciously.

This is why nice guys often have outbursts or problems with anger. And why they are often unhappy. They struggle in their primary relationships because they feel unappreciated and unseen. And how could they be seen? They aren’t openly and honestly sharing themselves with those around them.

The antidote to being a nice guy is being self-centered. Let me explain.

Morality, virtue, and integrity are all related but different. Morality is what is considered right or wrong broadly. It is generally shaped by a group, culture, or religion. So the culture or environment you participate in will influence how the morality of your actions is understood. It may be deemed moral to help someone in need, but does this obligate you to help everyone?

Virtue is what is considered good. This is closely related to morality but measured from a slightly different perspective. Virtue is also influenced by the group that surrounds you. It is often a consensus opinion. It may be considered virtuous to be generous, but does this mean you should give away all your money?

Integrity is different. It is aligning your words and actions to what you perceive is right, and is the only one of the three to use your inner guidance—your own compass. Working with integrity requires you to know yourself, which means looking inward.

We have to get to know our inner wants, needs, issues, habits, and beliefs. I have found that meditation is helpful in that process. So is time spent alone, quiet contemplation, journaling, sacred medicine work, speaking with a trusted friend, or good therapy.

The second ingredient to integrity, along with knowing yourself, is being honest with yourself. If you can’t evaluate yourself honestly, then you won’t know if your actions support your values. Being honest with yourself takes courage.

Sometimes we have wounds that run deep. Using denial to protect ourselves is common. We’re afraid of pain, or labeling ourselves something that we just can’t take. Negative stories or self-chatter can block our growth in this way. Learning to trust our resilience and find love for ourselves is a practice that increases our ability to be honest with ourselves, helping us live with integrity.

Using an example to separate the three concepts, let’s say someone comes along and asks you to do something for them. Morality and virtue might suggest you should say yes. But suppose you don’t want to help this person. Maybe they always ask for favors but never offer in return. Maybe it infringes on a commitment you have to your family. Maybe they want money that isn’t in your budget. Acting with integrity may mean saying no.

And this is how being a man of integrity differs from being a nice guy. It’s all about inner alignment. The people around you may not understand your actions or be able to judge your principles. You will have to get comfortable being misunderstood. Releasing yourself from the judgment of others is a gift. It frees you to follow your heart.

So find your center—your own north star—and stick to it. It doesn’t mean being stubborn or unwilling to change. In fact, in order to truly do this, you have to look inward and know your interior. You must let your truth move and guide you. You will need honesty and self-compassion along the way.

Ultimately, you are the one you have to satisfy. And that’s not selfish. You will, of course, consider others. You may put your partner, children, or a friend in front of yourself, as long as it fits your values. That would be natural as a husband, and certainly as a father, for example. But you will be working with what you believe over what is expected or what has been handed down.

That is being true to yourself—self-centered, in the best way possible—dedicated to the rightness inside you. That is a man who walks his own path—authentic, brave, self-confident, and full of integrity.

Many blessings,

tyler