If I’m honest, boundaries are something I have struggled with my whole life. It’s not something I was taught. I grew up thinking if a person is family or a close friend, you can speak your mind, borrow their things, and formalities like being on time don’t apply. Over time, I’ve realized that behavior doesn’t really work in the real world.
The truth is, though we are all connected, here on Earth we are individuals. So we distinguish our bodies from each other, and our possessions, beliefs, and identities. And for life here, that is healthy.
In fact, we spend the first part of our lives trying to figure out who we are—what makes us unique. We adopt identities and form groups. We bond in relationships and tribes. This ego development is a hallmark of natural development. I am this gender with this body, this job, and these hobbies and so on. Psychologist Carl Jung refers to this as the persona.
This delineation between individuals sets up the existence of boundaries between people. A boundary is the line between us—where you end and I begin. So in practice, a boundary is defining what is okay or not okay for me.
When people don’t have a healthy sense of self, they can’t easily observe, construct, or respect boundaries. This can happen in couples or families that are overenmeshed—a blurred line between individuals. In that case, your feelings and mine can’t be easily separated, nor can our problems, responsibilities, or choices. Overenmeshment can be mistaken for intimacy, which is closeness based on mutual respect with the distinction between the two of us.
A lesson I grew up learning was to always “turn the other cheek.” This is taken from the Bible and Christian teachings. But it got plucked from a broader story and, practically speaking, meant to simply tolerate whatever a person may do to you. So I internalized that we should strive to not care how we’re treated. And, moreover, that being ‘nice’ or polite in response to unjust treatment was spiritually admirable. This is what Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche calls “idiot compassion”—looking kind while enabling harmful behavior.
But I have come to understand that being nice and polite are more concerned with how you are perceived, rather than being true to who you actually are—living with integrity. And so I have had to grow in my relationship with myself to deepen my relationship with others. It may seem counterintuitive, but true intimacy with yourself precedes healthy intimacy with others.
And so is the spiritual path. We look inward. We ask tough questions. We aim for honesty. And in this individuation—becoming more whole—we recognize both what we have in common with everyone (unity), and how we are unique. They may seem paradoxical, but they aren’t. The two actually feed each other.
That is how healthy boundaries work as well. Defining my own space, and which behaviors I will and will not accept, allows me to stand stronger next to someone—alongside them but distinct. It actually helps me become closer to those I’m with. And it roots me in honesty, because I am clear about what I need and want and am willing to communicate that.
A common misunderstanding with boundaries is that they are a set of expectations for how someone can treat you. They are showing someone the line around you, metaphorically. But they are not telling someone how they can act in general. Setting a boundary is not controlling someone. You cannot control what someone else says or does. You can just say what you will tolerate or not. So they are a demarcation of the space between you, attached to a potential action on your part to reinforce the boundary if needed.
As you dive in and do the work to get to know yourself, consider the line between where you end and others begin. Making that line clear with direct communication will allow you to give yourself more fully, while being honest and true to who you are. It’s a form of self-compassion that, ultimately, leads to compassion for others. People will come to know that your ‘yes’ means yes, and they will see a person in their spiritual center modeling healthy boundaries.
Seeing our oneness—what links us all—can coincide with respecting our individuality. It’s another paradox to embrace while we discover what it truly means to be fully human and fully divine.
Many blessings,
tyler
